On the 1st of September I flew up to Portland to attend my friend Shandas wedding and see my grandfather, who of late has been refusing to eat and move which tends to be the first sign of wanting to die; exhausted after some 89 years of life. As an added bonus my friend Dave had e-mailed me before I got on the plane to let me know that he had got us two free passes to go to Seattles gigantic Bumbershoot festival the day after I arrived and to top it off, we were going to see and meet the one and only Dana Gould.

This part needs some explanation; Dave is Danas webmaster and has been for a few years now and all though they have talked and e-mailed they had never actually met but when Dana decided to perform at Bumbershoot, he let Dave know and hooked him (us) up with passes. Dave and I have been fans of Danas since the beginning of his comedy carrier, I mean I used to perform his bits for friends in highschool for gods sake and he is truly one of those comics that has made it in the ways that every comic hopes for, getting paid to write, performing on stage anywhere he wants and producing one of the best shows ever, The Simpsons.

So we arrive in Seattle, which was gorgeous by the way (the smell of the sea on a sunny day is really wonderful), we parked the car and started hiking towards all of the glowing and noisy things on the horizon. It was packed never seen so many hot teenage gir.. I mean people, I mean fully clothed definitely of age people. So immediately we were lost and time was quickly becoming a factor. The tickets were at will call (or so we thought) and we of course went to the wrong entrance so we doubled back to where the line was for tickets and this was a long long long line. We now had about 45 minutes max to get in to see Danas opening act and on top of this was the additional pressure that if the show filled up, regardless of having two tickets or no, we would not get in. This was a dark time trying to keep positive and ignore the growing thirst and need to pee. After a half hour in line we got up front only to find out that our tickets werent in the will call line (silly us) they were in the press and performers will call line up the street two clocks. Oh, thats just fucking great!!! So we hoof it up and get in the new line almost as long as the last line but moving 3 times as slow as said line and desperately lacking in shade. So, things get tense as we attempt to rationalize that we will only miss the opening act. Then Dave notices the huge Show Full sign by the door and now we are just speechless, waiting in line just because, convinced that we were gonna miss the show and miss meeting Dana. But even this misery had its amazing moments which would turn out to be the tiny tip of iceberg awesome. Hey, thats Todd Berry.

Dave noticed comedian Todd Berry standing near the entrance talking with some people and texting on his phone. He is a great comedian and that was a bit of a thrill seeing him in the real world, then Zach Galifianakis walks by making small talk with Todd.

Zach, fresh from The Comedians of Comedy tour has made a great name for himself as our generations Andy Kaufman and of all the comics working today, his shtick is truly original. So, this raised our spirits and we finally made it to the front and got our tickets. Dave inquired if we were on the VIP list for Dana (which would mean that we would get in even if the show was full) and sure enough (thank you Satan.. and Dana) we were. It said Dave + one and we were escorted in, given backstage stickers for our shirts and taken to our reserved seats and as if this was good enough, Dana had only been on stage for a minute or so. To hear the actual show (and me laughing a lot) that we attended go here - http://www.danagould.com/audio.html

So after the show we went back to the green room and in walks Dana Gould. Dave Norman! he says pointing to Dave. This is my friend Chase. I shook his hand and said Its an honor to meet you. Oh, stop. He said shaking his head and squinting. So then basically the day turned into Were with Gould, as he took us to the Roller-Derby of all places. A comic friend of his was one of the announcers and so we sat there, watched girls in roller-skates push each other down and Dave and Dana talked shop about the website and about the death of comedian Drake Sather (by Drake). It is truly hard to put this into words. Talking to someone you truly admire while watching a roller-derby.. surreal is a good way to put it. From there Dana took us to lunch at a Italian sports bar (dont ask cuz I dont know either) in this mall that was in the middle of the festival and we sat there and ate and talked to him about his kids and other comics and the Simpsons, etc. It was so great to listen to him talk about the Simpsons like it was just another office job or how he and his wife cant agree on a name for their next daughter. Dave and were continuously attempting to be clever while not embarrassing our selves and we pulled it off, taking turns making Dana laugh.. this was fun. The most hysterical thing though was that no matter what, being a man always kicks in. In the middle of sentences he would point out hot girls walking by. We were girl watching with Dana Gould. Well, you know its just that Im working on this new script now about.. Oh, damn! Look at her! There ought to be a law. Oh wait, there is. So after lunch which Dana paid for (thanks again) we all had to pee (the surreal kicks up a notch at this point) so there we are in the restroom pissing in unison while a father was waiting for his son to finish in the stall. The kid was making fart noises which was amusing in and of it self but then Dana decides to tell him that were behind him all the way or something like that. One thing is clear about Dana, he is always on and its great. So, at this point we were now headed to a show called R.Kellys Trapped in the Closet Live! which isnt what it sounds like.. ok, it kinda is. For those of you who dont know about this (and I didnt until Dana explained it to me) its a live improv comedy show where they get comedians to watch R.Kellys bizarre extended music video soap-opera called Trapped in the Closet (not to be confused with South Park episode with the same name) and then comment on it. Now, if you havent seen this masterwork of ridiculousness you can wath all the episodes for free on good old Youtube here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUzGovNBycQ

I highly recommend you watch all 12 episodes.. theyre really short and so funny (funny mostly cuz youre not sure that they were intended to be funny).

So After getting lost in the crowd for a bit we made it over to the theater, stoped for a moment to talk to comedian Arj Barker and take some pictures with fans.

Dana then took us backstage to the coveted and much talked about greenroom. Immediately after walking in the door there sat Morgan Murphy..

..Paul F. Tompkins..

..Paul Scheer..

..Rob Huebel & Aziz Ansari.

I stood near the door (subconsciously I suppose I was waiting to get kicked out) and Dave and Dana took seats in from of me. Dana did the whole This is Dave and this Chase.. theyre with me. We met everyone in the room and Aziz begins to explain the show to Dana (who was the ginnie pig of the show in that he was gonna be the guy on stage who had never seen it before. Dave makes his way to the fridge where precious beer was found and he passes me one, which I needed at this point to keep calm. This was an amazing room to be in. The entire cast of Best Week Ever in one room with so many other great comics.. and in walks John Hodgman..

The Daily Shows newest resident expert. Now I was really getting nervous. John offers Dana a disc with a show on it that his wife thinks Danas wife will like (all these reminders that they are just ordinary people kept happening) and talk continues about the show and everyones part in it. John makes his way to the beer and I move closer to the door where Maria Bamford is now standing.

This was now getting extremely thrilling as Maria is hot off the Comedians of Comedy tour (with Zach & Patton) and I consider her the finest female comic working today and one of the best comics period. Her and I talked for a while about the show and her tour and I told her my Gene Hackman/bathroom story which made her laugh. It started to kick in at this point that being there with Dana meant that no one would wonder why we were there; we were just accepted and that was very cool. So I notice a familiar voice in the hallway and turn to look.. Its David Cross! OMG its David Cross! As if this wasnt enough killer rad comics in one room one of the Comics I admire most in the world is in the hallway.

I leaned forward casually to Dave and whispered David Cross is in the hall. To which Dave responded Cool. he was pulling off calm way better then me. So I continued to make small talk with Maria as David Cross enters and is followed by who he was talking to; Matt Walsh of the Daily Show and Upright Citizens Brigade.

I cant help but stare at Matt and David as they pass between me and Maria to which she puts her hand up to her mouth and whispers to me Famous people.

Now there is a lot of talking going on and some people start to leave the greenroom which opens a chair next to Cross, so I took a seat. I must admit I found him very intimidating and I was really trying hard not to stare at him. He and Matt talked shop for a while and as David got up to leave I realized that I had to say something to him so I put my nervous sweaty hand and said Hey uh I just wanted to say hello Im a big fan. He shook my hand and immediately pulled it away saying hey man, that wasnt fun for me buddy! he then proceeded to wipe his hand off with a napkin and offer me a cookie; it was weird. So, I was pretty embarrassed at this point and as he started to leave he turned back briefly and nodded and kinda said than.. s ma.. and went out the door. At this point Horatio Sanz from Saturday Night Live had entered and made his way to the couch. When he came in it was so rad cuz Dave called out ..Horatio Sanz! like the official announcer for the room.

Dave began asking Matt about his co-star Besser.. So is Besser here? to which Matt replied Yes, is it more of a thrill that he is here then me? which was the funniest thing he could have possibly said. I then asked him point blank.. So, Upright Citizens Brigade the movie??? He badly dodged the question and eventually gave us a Well, something may be in the wind. To which Dave and I were most pleased.

At this point the show was about to go on and we were taken to our seats.

The show that they all made fun of is again here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUzGovNBycQ

After the show we returned to the green room and talked about how strange it all was. At this point I noticed that Slovin & Allen were also there as well as if things couldnt get any cooler.

So everyone slowly made there way out save Doug Benson who was very nice and eating his pre-show meal.

Horatio actually asked Dave if they had met before which was pretty cool and I made a solid wise-crack that had John and Dana in stitches I was real happy about that.

So we say our goodbyes to Dana and thank him for everything. Then when he was out of ear shot Dave and I began jumping around like kids on pixy-sticks and Dr. Pepper. This was truly one of those life-affirming experiences. All I want to do is be funny. All I want to do is make people laugh until I cant function anymore. Thank Dave, Thank Dana and Thank the Comedy Gods in their infinite wisdom for showing me into that room.

Did not stop smiling until the next day at Shandas wedding but then only briefly then it was right back to grinning like a fool.

I won’t stop. I can’t. It’s the best I’ve ever felt; holding that microphone. I can feel the compulsion building even now.

BTW – clips of the evening are here - click me

Special thanks to Saschia for her continued support throughout the ordeal that was my lead up to this evening, to Logan and Todd for taking video and pictures, and to everyone who came.. nearly 20 people in all. I’m honored that you guys would drive 50 miles to watch me goof off for 5 minutes. Thank you all so much.

I saw one comet (Hale-Bopp), I saw the Atlantic Ocean twice, I swam in the Gulf of Mexico once, I had sex with 10 woman, I fell in love 5 times, I had three relationships last more then 6 months, I asked two women to marry me (Neither worked out), I got one woman pregnant and consented by silence to the performing of one abortion, I lived in two States and visited 16, I saw Radiohead perform live 3 times (each a privilege), I met Mitch Hedberg once but saw him live twice, I met Gene Hackman twice (both times involving one bathroom), I lived through one hurricane (during one of 2 visits to Florida), I had one massive arrhythmia, I had one overdose, I had one car accident and one broken nose which resulted in almost bleeding to death once and two surgeries, I had to move back in with my mother three times, I had 6 separate roommates and attempted to live with a woman once, I worked nine different jobs (2 at advertising agencies and two in one hospital), I visited San Francisco twice, I visited Reno once (New years Eve 2000), I drank one $39 glass of merlot in Honolulu, I ate food in 3 Chinatowns, I had two grandfathers die (both on my mothers’ side), I was used sexually twice, I climbed Mt. Saint Helens with my father twice, I killed one dog named peanut (accidentally), I owned three cars, I lived in 5 apartments and three houses, I took 5 medications for depression, one medication for my heart and two medications for anxiety, I lived with two cats (neither was mine), I owned three fish, I saw 4 friends marry, I saw four friends have children, I envied 5 friends, I participated in one labor strike, I saw one UFO, I experimented with eleven different illegal substances, I was pulled over for speeding 6 times (2 were just warnings), I owned 12 video game systems and eight computers, I cooked a 7 course meal once and a turkey twice, I was a devil for Halloween twice, I saw 4 white Christmases, I had one tooth removed, I wore 5 pairs of glasses and three pairs of contact lenses, I had 4 massages and 10 acupuncture appointments, I had 7 gallery showings constituting 122 paintings, I had the 7 year statute of limitations run out on 1 warrant for my arrest (nothing serious), I got one tattoo, I wished for rain more times then can be counted and I have 3 regrets.

I am certain that there are many many other things that I did but the number of times for each escapes me. This list strangely enough has brought me to the conclusion that I did find myself after all but only just.. and at a cost in time and casualty I will continue to hope proves it’s worth.

So begins stage two of me.

“They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security.”

And..

Excerpt from the Declaration of Independence: “..That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.”

Drunk-bitch69 retorts with “I think you are a judgmental person and I don’t appreciate it.”

I was not even really talking to her, I was talking to her friend and instantly I was pissed, motivated by how much money had been spent on watered down drinks (I was not even drunk yet damn it)

“I’m not gonna point out the irony of your statement but I am gonna need an apology.”

Drunk-bitch69 replied “I’m not gonna apologize.. I call ‘em like I see ‘em. Blah blah blah.” There was some further exchange that I can’t recall..

So I stood up, put on my coat and told her “Fuck you. I’m out.” And proceeded to walk back to the other bar where we still had a pitcher waiting. The other guys made their way over and we finished the beer, talked about how weird Drunk-bitch69 was and toasted. After some time passed we wanted some more shots, being as how none of us were very drunk at all save Dan who had had 3 times as much as everyone else, so they went over to the other bar to see if the coast was clear and it seemed to be so we went back in and I grabbed a seat at the bar and ordered tequila cuz It was time to get it on and just then up behind me walks Drunk-bitch69 with her hand out as if to shake. I was peeved she was there still and asked “What’s this?” to which she responded “My hand..” making the obvious drunken attempt at an apology but I was not in the mood. “Listen, I came back in here because I thought you had left so if you are leaving then go, if you aren’t then I will go again. Ok?” It was at this point that the brunette showed up again. I can’t recall her name either so from now on she will be known as “The Hutt”; so “The Hutt” comes up and tries to be the peacekeeper but for no good reason as I was very clear about the solution to our problem. “We really need to work this out.” became “The Hutt’s” mantra to which I kept replying “There is nothing to work out. Your friend was rude to me, I don’t know you guys and I don’t want to so I’m gonna leave since it seems that you’re friend won’t.” and as I was walking out the door “The Hutt” yells at me “Act your age!” to which I did not respond and instead continued outside to wait for the guys. Is it me or was my response anything other then adult? “Act your age..” the final taunt from someone not acting their age.. of course I don’t know if Hutts age like humans do, maybe she was acting her age in Hutt years, it’s hard to say. So, out pours Dan who had actually achieved drunken status and he begins texting on his phone as he starts to puke up wind of course. Then to my horror Drunk-bitch69 stumbles out and begins to come at me while another guy who I didn’t know holds her back. “The Hutt” then appears shouting at me “Why can’t we work this out?!?! We really need to work this out!” followed by the rest of my group and a new stranger in a white shirt and cap who approaches me. “Are you Chase?” “Yeah..” I said reluctantly. The dude says.. “Ok, so what is going on here? Let’s work this out.” I would just like to point out how very strange this was to have people so fixated on “working this out” as if any of this carried meaning for any of us after we walked out of the bar. I mean really, who gives a rats ass if it gets “worked out?” We are leaving never to return. Well apparently it mattered to these freaks so I calmly explained to the dude who I guess was Drunk-bitch69’s fiancée that she was rude to me and I didn’t want to talk to her any more and we were trying to leave when she came out and tried to attack me. Keep in mind that this entire time she is being held back from tackling me by some guy.. she even threatened to take off her shoe and stab me with it. This was so fucking strange. Her dude then said “Ok, that’s what he told me happened to, sorry about this..” and that’s when my friend Jason decided to egg them on a bit. “Listen, we were just minding our own business when these girls starting picking up on us..” Jason said which stirred Drunk-bitch69 & “The Hutt” into a frenzy of screaming denials. It was rad. So I told the dude “We’re leaving. We’re never coming back. I hate this city and best of luck with “her”.” And so we left listening to their harpy screams as it snowed.

This all happened within hours of arriving in SLC and the worst part, I barely had a buzz on.

End of Day 1

As a side note it is a very bizarre feeling to know, all at once that you have a fan base out there for what you do. The idea that people across the country and world have seen my work and made an effort to reach me and thank me.. That they tell their friends about me and watch my site for updates.. It means so much.. And it’s just a tad creepy but screw it. I’m famous baby!

As for the advice I received, it began with a question posed to me:

“If you knew you would not fail, and time and money were not issues, what three things would you now most like to have or accomplish?”

I answered quickly without over thinking it. (Aside from two chicks at the same time of course) I would write and perform comedy. I would live in Honolulu. I would write and direct short films and animations both comic and surreal.

While there were several other questions that I had to answer this was the most significant. My first realization was that art, illustration and design did not make the list despite the fact that they are what I do and what I want to do (I thought). A strong clue that I have not been very honest with myself for a very long time. My #1 answer lead to some homework: to find out about any comedy clubs in Albuquerque and if they have open-mic nights for amateurs, then to attend just to see what it’s like. Well, it turns out there is one club, Laff’s, and they had an open-mic on Sunday so I went down with the company of my friend Rebecca and we watched the show. The open-mic pre show had one amateur MC and two amateur acts, each given only about 5 minutes and.. they.. were.. absolutely.. awful. I mean like it was painful to watch. Now to be fair the first guy to get up (not the MC) obviously wanted to do stand-up and he was making a real effort; he had his joke journal on the stool next to him and he had a standard formula and he was really trying but he was so obviously scared and new that every delivery fell flat as he tripped over his punch-lines but at least he tried and this was comforting to me somehow. After that humiliation was over the standard 3 comic set began with an MC, opener and headliner. The opening act, a young man from New York, was very funny and after the show I was able to talk to him about his very first time on stage. He explained that he announced to his friends and family that he would be doing an open-mic and to his horror they all showed up so he couldn’t back out. When he was done he ran to the bathroom and puked.. he is now a paid stand-up comic.

It was a great night. Things are improving.

you, you, you

Night and day
you are the one,
Only you
beneath the moon
And under the sun.
Whether near to me or far,
It's no matter,
darling, where you are
I think of you
Night and day.

Day and night
Why is it so,
That this longing for you follows
where-ever I go?
In the roaring traffic's boom,
In the silence of my lonely room,
I think of you,
Night and day.

Night and day
under the hide of me
There's an
Oh, such a hungry yearning,
burning inside of me.
And its torment won't be through
'Til you let me spend my life
making love to you,
Day and night,
Night and day.

-cole porter